3 am epiphany.

two blogs in one night, i have so much to say.

adam and i haven't spoken in almost two months, there was that one particular weekend when i did want to talk to him but it didn't work out. i had moved on and found someone new, or rather a couple people. i knew he was broken, i knew he was empty, i knew he was nothing without me. i know i didn't wanted it to end the way it did, i always believed in us, not just talking about together as something more but as raffikis.

he texted me 5 days ago with this:

Hey Lahbs, I just wanna say if there's ever a time we can be raffikis again I'd really work to make it happen. Like, I understand that might never be possible, and I guess I can accept that, but I meant everything I said about how much I loved spending time with you, and I miss it.

And I probably should have phoned to say this but I guess I just really needed to gather my words and say what I needed to say right.

i cried so hard when i received this and minutes after steve had just left. how is it that when you move on from something or someone they always come back to you? at least that's been reoccurring in my life. a lot of peculiar faces have been returning and its interesting and scary and intriguing. i know he cares, i know i meant a lot to him and i don't hate him as much as i said i did. i could never hate, that's the thing about me. i don't believe in hate, i don't believe in holding grudges. i believe in disliking people but even then i know people are great, we all have souls and we all have negative qualities. we're human. i keep re-reading the message over and over again and i know i want to talk to him but its that barricade of fear, again. the anxiety of seeing him and having all those feelings resurface is what scares me. but somehow there was a voice in the silence at almost 3 am telling me i need to clear the air, that in order for things to move forward i need to fight for this, i need to pull through this. i need to do this. i just don't know how to respond, i don't know all the right words, what are the right words anyway? the thing is, everyone knows i still care about him i always did even when he broke me apart, even though i said i hated him i still loved him. and a part of me always will i think. there are just particular people who you're drawn to and somehow they leave a permanent mark on your heart, no matter what they do to you. and i guess that's what it's like with adam. i do believe i loved him even though we weren't in a relationship, even though it wasn't cliche and structured but i've never abided to rules, anyway.

so here it goes, doing something i fear even though there may be tears i'm terrified to the bone but you fight for the people you love and he is one of them.