reoccurrence.

i feel awful. i'm sick as fuck. my SAD // depression is overwhelming me. you have nothing to say. the boy at school i fancy is now in a relationship. i don't want to go back to school. and i just feel extremely stupid and selfish. i don't know what real is anymore and i don't know how to repair myself today.

i guess i'm also just really distressed that tomorrow marks my one year and i should be happy and celebrating but there is something so raw, so intriguing and strangely appealing about being so broken. about having scars. being a tragedy. i don't know. i feel like someone ripped out my heart and decided to be inconsiderate and ruthless and keep it for themselves. and now all there is is that fucking giant, dark, empty abyss. what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? i get too attached and i hate myself for it. i care too much. i'm too hopeful. i believe in things to convince myself its for the better or that somehow by some miracle things will change and i'll be happy. but fuck it all i don't know what i want, i don't know anymore. i don't want to be in school, i want to just work and make art and do my own thing. i don't like the environment at my school, the majority is pretentious but i know they're just insecure and broken too. i don't feel safe.

i just wish for once someone could understand my heart and keep it and cherish it and care for it and know that i'm not the easiest person to handle. love me with all my ugly scars and flaws. but i always want what i can't have and all the boys that want me i don't want and all the boys i want don't want me.

there's this reoccurring theme in my life, that all the guys i keep falling for end up being misleading. and i always think its going to work out and somehow along the way it falls apart and i just end up getting disappointed and hurt. i've accepted the fact that the potential of me being single for the rest of my life is definite. and this reoccurring theme is nothing short of detrimental to my self-esteem. i could drown in the amount of doubts and insecurities these situations conjure. i'm tired of all of this. tired of always getting hurt in the end. tired of finding someone and then learning that they get bored of me or get scared or some pathetic reason i don't want to hear. i'm always this 3 second thing to everyone. i'm never enough. i'm your fucking booty call at 4 am. everyone's just lusting. and if they aren't they're confused and are being pansies and can't even date, and i don't even want a label or be in a relationship. i'm everyone's temporary fix. because nobody cares. no one gives a fucking shit about the way they decide to handle my heart. so go ahead trash it, cut it, beat it, kick it, rip it, burn it, eat it, smash it, destroy it. and it'll take me a good amount of time to recollect all the pieces, tape it back together and somehow find some good enough adhesive to keep it from shattering all over again.

i keep thinking its me but i know its not me. i can't control how people feel or the way they act. i just want to believe that love is possible and that's all anyone really wants is to be loved.