control.

i've been neglecting writing for so long, its as if i'm scared to let out my thoughts and everything that i feel. i've never been one to fail to express myself but somehow i can't seem to do it these days. i can't get my thoughts out on paper, not even on napkins or a few short words to summarize just how i feel in this moment, in that moment.

i stay up too late, trying to be productive, almost convincing myself to create something, to do my homework, to read, to write, anything but then i just become alone with my thoughts. really, the idea and knowingness of being completely alone with my thoughts scares me. i'm becoming terrified of my own solitude. i'm subjecting to this constant want of needing someone else to be there with me. this is why i hate fancying people, its such an ordeal. i get too attached as much as i hate to deny it i do. if someone pays attention to me and i actually begin to fancy them i become obsessive and stupid. i overanalyze the shit out of everything and its just a huge mindfuck, really. i get terrified all the time of being really close to someone, someone that is not a friend or family. the thing is, i can love people in terms of family and friends and unconditionally but when it comes to [loving] a significant other i can't seem to allow myself to. i want to but i can't. i've realized i'm actually fucking scared shitless of being in a relationship because the idea of giving someone my all, the idea of someone fancying me that much, wanting to hang out with me that much, caring about me that much and thinking of me that much scares me. as much as i want it, i'm absolutely and ridiculously and absurdly terrified of being in love. whatever that's even supposed to mean.

i thought it was strange and odd at first when you texted me every day and were interested in me. the way you were way too blunt about it and how you would boldly lay out your feelings in these short, incoherent, abbreviated text messages. i actually did fancy them, they kinda made me feel special for that period of time that someone was actually interested in me. i feel like the most incredibly foolish and absurd girl on this planet that just can't seem to comprehend nor see why people would take an interest in me. i guess i just find myself too weird for people. i've kinda half accepted the fact i'll be single for the rest of my life, moreso convinced myself of that. i have too many ideas. illogical mindsets. for instance, i feel as if it is impossible for someone to [love] me because i'm too out of control and crazy for them. all in all its just my fears and insecurities. i'm scared of being broken again. heartache is probably one of the most worst feelings i've ever experienced and its ludicrous 'cause rejection isn't even a part of the fear.

i don't want to believe i'm just a 3 second thing to you. i think i'm just overanalyzing and mindfucking myself over because you haven't texted me in a couple days and you said you'd come with me to alexisonfire but you never texted or showed up. i guess i just expect too much. my brain hurts. my heart hurts. i don't know how to feel properly. i don't understand the science of boys and the bizarre things they do to you. the way the affect you in (in)significant ways. how the tiniest acts provoke feelings you've never experience or thoughts that appear nonsensical.

i keep telling myself over and over again to let it go. let it be. that i have to be patient with this. that i have to accept the fact that overanalyzation is always going to be a part of being human but not to overreact and overthink the current situation. i keep looking at the word inked into my skin above my left hipbone, "control." i have no control over his actions or his feelings, i have no control over anyone's decisions, actions or emotions except my own. that's hard for me to accept but its a reminder that only i have control over my own life.

so whatever it is, whatever reason he has for no communication i have to let it go. perhaps he's dealing with things he doesn't want to tell me, or things needing to be resolved. whatever it is even if this may be the end of this, even if this was just a 3 second thing i have to let it go. let it be.

note to self: you are pretty, you are beautiful, don't sell yourself short. you have ideas. you have imagination. you have creativity in your veins. acknowledge your full potential because you will do amazing things. you need to believe in yourself, believe in the things that you call important. and if this is meant to be then this is meant to be. you have no control over this. just love yourself every day. embrace your flaws. embrace the fear. great things are going to happen, always remember to hold hands with the unexpected no matter how painful or frightening it is.

"it's all happening."