pardon me if everything becomes nonsensical, i'm burning out from the high.
i feel like this has caused me to lose myself, it threw me off guard now i'm off the path completely unaware of what's happened. i don't know how to get back on track, i don't know how to find my way back. i just got lost, too quickly.
last weekend was one of the rowdiest four nights i have ever lived in my entire life. my friends from kenya who live in calgary came to van for a bit because we were all volunteering for We Day and my friend hannah came up from NYC too. Here I'll summarize:
Friday - tequila shots. vodka shots. ripped up shirts. local gigs. underground. moshpit. party puking. losing my 2 years of non-pukingness. it sucked. laughing in between vomit sessions, yeah i don't know how that works but that's me. messy drunkingness. become bffs with these 2 girls who knew this girl who we hated on our kenya trip and found out they weren't too big of a fan of hers either. seeing one of my past crushes and talking to him, it was nice. old feelings resurface. getting the spins. ty and kel & the calgary girls helping me out. ty carrying me to the cab. puking more. passing out. that night was my night of completely, disastrous drunkeness.
Saturday - probably the rowdiest day ever. i can't even remember. more tequila shots. ordering like 7 plates of limes and completely fogetting we even did that the next day! meeting gay guys. pretty much a gay boy fest in the hotel room. party of 20. inviting allan & adam from locomotive. seeing ty and nadia flirting = i am a genius at matchmaker. inviting jeremy...that was a complete bad idea. adam & allan totes being my braaaahs and calling each other "raffiki" (friend)
basically i fancied jeremy and he's a really sweet guy and all but laying in bed with him and talking for 9 hours...you really do find a lot about people in a short period of time. it was nice at first, kissing, making out, cuddling and spooning getting to know each other but suddenly now that i think of it it was naive, idiotic and impulsive. i found out he was 21 and well the 4 year age difference didn't really bother me, moreso the fact i could tell he is emotionally unstable and he MAY BE older than me but i'm sure as hell more mature than him. even hannah noticed. once he told me he suffered from severe panic attacks...something clicked and triggered inside me and announced that there was something odd about this boy. i got the feeling that he was one of those people that knew they had problems but didn't bother to try and solve them // change in order to get better. he was also kind of pushy, now that i think of it.
nonetheless Saturday was still my fave. oh and cassana totally stole the show for that night, being incredibly reckless and stripping in front of the gay guys and saying "guys! dress me!" josh and fraser helping her get dressed all fancy. haha. "tequila makes me horny and want boys!" "girl, i'm always into boys" i love gay boys. & cass drunk dialing her sister and crying. funniest thing ever.
Sunday - all of us hung over for We Day orientation and everyone knowing. meeting lauren. she is my fave new drunk. calgary girls getting rowdy. feeling kinda shitty about sat. amira running through a fountain. it was her night. amir puking. inviting jeremy again to sleepover out of impulse and lack of comfort. in the morning hannah waking up to me on top of jeremy, making out and shirtless. FML. that was way too embarrassing and han is never going to let me live that down.
afterwards, i felt kind of weird about it. i called him because i am impulsive and want comfort and safety but he doesn't give that to me. temporarily i feel safe but in all honesty, i feel discouraged and my intuition kicks in and knows i am NOT comfortable. yet i got along with it because i fight the feeling and try to prove something to myself that i am okay with this and maybe i can actually get a bf.
Monday - got hella baked with cass. giving dov another chance. his impression = unsuccessful. it has been confirmed he is a REAL FUCKING IGNORANT asshole. cannot even begin to describe how insulting he was about kenya and my humanitarian work. cass and i were so mortified he would even say such things to us when he clearly KNOWS we're passionate about kenya and free the children. dumbass. cass and i getting munchies and having a really fucking scary intense movie moment: cass freaking out and telling me we had to get out of the 7/11 because all the asian guys looked like they were in an asian gang and ready to shoot up the place, no fucking joke. booking it to McDicks and having really intense in-depth philosophical talks. having a staring game on who would laugh first, i lost every time. forgetting time.
lately, i've been very intuitive. picking up the tiniest details and sensing people's energies. seeing people's hearts. learning the outlines of my insides. i know what i feel. i can't deny it. i can't lie to myself. i kind of regret doing what did with Jeremy, i thought he was something else but i was wrong. i mean, he is a lovely person but not for me. we can only be friends...but even that i'm not entirely sure of. i realize i attract broken people but not in terms of engrossing myself in negative energy but i feel as if its to help them with their pain. to teach them something. heal their hearts. fill the void. learn their story.
i regret telling him mine. it was impulsive. i remember the exact words that exhaled from my breath. it felt deliberate. to gain some sort of sympathy. understanding. a wanting. a need to feel safe. but i didn't get the reaction i wanted. i know, how cruel right? false hope. i contradicted myself. "now i feel compelled to tell you my story." how fucking stupid am i? but what's said has been said. and what's done is done. what can you do? i can't linger on this anymore. its only going to be more detrimental to my already complicated heart. i didn't really like the way he kissed me. it didn't feel natural. like he was trying to hard to impress me. as if he had more experience because he was oh, "21." and i felt he was immature on the part that he tries to act like a guy who's my age in order to seem "cool." and he agrees with me too much. yes, i can in fact pick up on the strangest things about people upon actually getting to know them in 48 hours. i wanted to prove to myself, that maybe this was it, that this could actually happen, having someone. on saturday i did truthfully fancy him, i told him i did and we discussed the options of "dating." he mentioned we could "see other people" and he was so fixed on the vision that other guys would ask me out. he was extremely keen on it, when i kept saying i highly doubt it...it was strange. i asked why and he said "because you're really pretty." okay, that was kind but perhaps he knows something i don't know. funny thing, he thought i was 20. I DON'T THINK I LOOK 20 AT ALL. i can understand at least 18 or 19 but 20? that's pushing it. haha. he said i'm kind of intimidating. here we go again with the intimidation. i still don't understand that because i honestly don't think i come off that way. he said it's because i'm really outgoing and my attire is very "out there" and how i don't give a shit what people think and that i'm real. i always find it strange hearing things that you can't believe about yourself. that i will go into on another day.
monday i knew this wasn't right. i felt uncomfortable. it didn't feel right. i could sense he was a bit controlling. demanding. i didn't like that and it creeped me out. he texted me 3 times today. haven't responded. i don't know how to tell him i'm just not into him anymore. i know, what i did seems like a bitch thing but right now i know myself...i think. i don't want to lead him on, i don't want to play on false hope anymore. i don't want to lie to myself to try and prove something when i know deep down it is completely wrong. and for once, i need to protect my heart. i can't help feel what i feel.
so right now, while Karen O sings soft melodies in my ear at 2:50 am on a brand new Monday night, i have 2 options: live in regret, indulge in depression and negativity and hate myself forever for such impulsive actions or move on, be fearful but be brave, be honest and protect your heart, know who you are and don't let others walk all over you. i think i'm going with plan b. i am scared and hurt and nervous and regretful but at the same time another milestone to be created. i think all of this recklessness and living too fast sometimes takes a toll on me, or anyone for that matter. sometimes you need to slow down and realize wait a minute. this isn't right. and just think about it. stop. i'm glad i picked up on this quicker because i don't even want to know what kind of entanglement this could've gotten me into. i'm not looking for "love" i'll let the unexpected guide me. because right now i realize i'm pretty okay with just my own company. i don't need a boy. i don't need some sort of comfort. i don't need sex. i am okay now.
if anything, i know that i just like laying in bed and talking. but that can wait another day.
oh, and my obsessive love with Paris still continues. i talked to frenchie again today ohmygod how that made my heart smile. i don't even care if he doesn't fancy me. just talking to him briefly made everything so nostalgic and alive again.
p.s watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs baked, it is so visually orgasmic. just rainbows of colors. euphoria. trust me.
last weekend was one of the rowdiest four nights i have ever lived in my entire life. my friends from kenya who live in calgary came to van for a bit because we were all volunteering for We Day and my friend hannah came up from NYC too. Here I'll summarize:
Friday - tequila shots. vodka shots. ripped up shirts. local gigs. underground. moshpit. party puking. losing my 2 years of non-pukingness. it sucked. laughing in between vomit sessions, yeah i don't know how that works but that's me. messy drunkingness. become bffs with these 2 girls who knew this girl who we hated on our kenya trip and found out they weren't too big of a fan of hers either. seeing one of my past crushes and talking to him, it was nice. old feelings resurface. getting the spins. ty and kel & the calgary girls helping me out. ty carrying me to the cab. puking more. passing out. that night was my night of completely, disastrous drunkeness.
Saturday - probably the rowdiest day ever. i can't even remember. more tequila shots. ordering like 7 plates of limes and completely fogetting we even did that the next day! meeting gay guys. pretty much a gay boy fest in the hotel room. party of 20. inviting allan & adam from locomotive. seeing ty and nadia flirting = i am a genius at matchmaker. inviting jeremy...that was a complete bad idea. adam & allan totes being my braaaahs and calling each other "raffiki" (friend)
basically i fancied jeremy and he's a really sweet guy and all but laying in bed with him and talking for 9 hours...you really do find a lot about people in a short period of time. it was nice at first, kissing, making out, cuddling and spooning getting to know each other but suddenly now that i think of it it was naive, idiotic and impulsive. i found out he was 21 and well the 4 year age difference didn't really bother me, moreso the fact i could tell he is emotionally unstable and he MAY BE older than me but i'm sure as hell more mature than him. even hannah noticed. once he told me he suffered from severe panic attacks...something clicked and triggered inside me and announced that there was something odd about this boy. i got the feeling that he was one of those people that knew they had problems but didn't bother to try and solve them // change in order to get better. he was also kind of pushy, now that i think of it.
nonetheless Saturday was still my fave. oh and cassana totally stole the show for that night, being incredibly reckless and stripping in front of the gay guys and saying "guys! dress me!" josh and fraser helping her get dressed all fancy. haha. "tequila makes me horny and want boys!" "girl, i'm always into boys" i love gay boys. & cass drunk dialing her sister and crying. funniest thing ever.
Sunday - all of us hung over for We Day orientation and everyone knowing. meeting lauren. she is my fave new drunk. calgary girls getting rowdy. feeling kinda shitty about sat. amira running through a fountain. it was her night. amir puking. inviting jeremy again to sleepover out of impulse and lack of comfort. in the morning hannah waking up to me on top of jeremy, making out and shirtless. FML. that was way too embarrassing and han is never going to let me live that down.
afterwards, i felt kind of weird about it. i called him because i am impulsive and want comfort and safety but he doesn't give that to me. temporarily i feel safe but in all honesty, i feel discouraged and my intuition kicks in and knows i am NOT comfortable. yet i got along with it because i fight the feeling and try to prove something to myself that i am okay with this and maybe i can actually get a bf.
Monday - got hella baked with cass. giving dov another chance. his impression = unsuccessful. it has been confirmed he is a REAL FUCKING IGNORANT asshole. cannot even begin to describe how insulting he was about kenya and my humanitarian work. cass and i were so mortified he would even say such things to us when he clearly KNOWS we're passionate about kenya and free the children. dumbass. cass and i getting munchies and having a really fucking scary intense movie moment: cass freaking out and telling me we had to get out of the 7/11 because all the asian guys looked like they were in an asian gang and ready to shoot up the place, no fucking joke. booking it to McDicks and having really intense in-depth philosophical talks. having a staring game on who would laugh first, i lost every time. forgetting time.
lately, i've been very intuitive. picking up the tiniest details and sensing people's energies. seeing people's hearts. learning the outlines of my insides. i know what i feel. i can't deny it. i can't lie to myself. i kind of regret doing what did with Jeremy, i thought he was something else but i was wrong. i mean, he is a lovely person but not for me. we can only be friends...but even that i'm not entirely sure of. i realize i attract broken people but not in terms of engrossing myself in negative energy but i feel as if its to help them with their pain. to teach them something. heal their hearts. fill the void. learn their story.
i regret telling him mine. it was impulsive. i remember the exact words that exhaled from my breath. it felt deliberate. to gain some sort of sympathy. understanding. a wanting. a need to feel safe. but i didn't get the reaction i wanted. i know, how cruel right? false hope. i contradicted myself. "now i feel compelled to tell you my story." how fucking stupid am i? but what's said has been said. and what's done is done. what can you do? i can't linger on this anymore. its only going to be more detrimental to my already complicated heart. i didn't really like the way he kissed me. it didn't feel natural. like he was trying to hard to impress me. as if he had more experience because he was oh, "21." and i felt he was immature on the part that he tries to act like a guy who's my age in order to seem "cool." and he agrees with me too much. yes, i can in fact pick up on the strangest things about people upon actually getting to know them in 48 hours. i wanted to prove to myself, that maybe this was it, that this could actually happen, having someone. on saturday i did truthfully fancy him, i told him i did and we discussed the options of "dating." he mentioned we could "see other people" and he was so fixed on the vision that other guys would ask me out. he was extremely keen on it, when i kept saying i highly doubt it...it was strange. i asked why and he said "because you're really pretty." okay, that was kind but perhaps he knows something i don't know. funny thing, he thought i was 20. I DON'T THINK I LOOK 20 AT ALL. i can understand at least 18 or 19 but 20? that's pushing it. haha. he said i'm kind of intimidating. here we go again with the intimidation. i still don't understand that because i honestly don't think i come off that way. he said it's because i'm really outgoing and my attire is very "out there" and how i don't give a shit what people think and that i'm real. i always find it strange hearing things that you can't believe about yourself. that i will go into on another day.
monday i knew this wasn't right. i felt uncomfortable. it didn't feel right. i could sense he was a bit controlling. demanding. i didn't like that and it creeped me out. he texted me 3 times today. haven't responded. i don't know how to tell him i'm just not into him anymore. i know, what i did seems like a bitch thing but right now i know myself...i think. i don't want to lead him on, i don't want to play on false hope anymore. i don't want to lie to myself to try and prove something when i know deep down it is completely wrong. and for once, i need to protect my heart. i can't help feel what i feel.
so right now, while Karen O sings soft melodies in my ear at 2:50 am on a brand new Monday night, i have 2 options: live in regret, indulge in depression and negativity and hate myself forever for such impulsive actions or move on, be fearful but be brave, be honest and protect your heart, know who you are and don't let others walk all over you. i think i'm going with plan b. i am scared and hurt and nervous and regretful but at the same time another milestone to be created. i think all of this recklessness and living too fast sometimes takes a toll on me, or anyone for that matter. sometimes you need to slow down and realize wait a minute. this isn't right. and just think about it. stop. i'm glad i picked up on this quicker because i don't even want to know what kind of entanglement this could've gotten me into. i'm not looking for "love" i'll let the unexpected guide me. because right now i realize i'm pretty okay with just my own company. i don't need a boy. i don't need some sort of comfort. i don't need sex. i am okay now.
if anything, i know that i just like laying in bed and talking. but that can wait another day.
oh, and my obsessive love with Paris still continues. i talked to frenchie again today ohmygod how that made my heart smile. i don't even care if he doesn't fancy me. just talking to him briefly made everything so nostalgic and alive again.
p.s watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs baked, it is so visually orgasmic. just rainbows of colors. euphoria. trust me.
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