this is my freedom.

the last couple days have been a roadtrip from my heart to my mind and back. i don't think its normal to feel this alive for so many consecutive days but maybe this is living. really living. if anything, i've moving through the pain, i'm growing up, growing into my own skin, letting the scars heal naturally. i think in all my 17 years my heart is finally open.

i've been living for quiet moments. like listening to the music that makes you feel so alive, that understands you on long bus rides. i love autumn, the way the colors all fall to the ground. skeletons of trees. acoustic guitar and cups of tea. messy hair. layers of sweaters. questioning, always.

if things with dylan are meant to be, they're meant to be. i have to remember i have NO CONTROL over the situation. its funny, i've been so impatient and yesterday he said he could go to the Gossip gig with me and now he can't. at first my heart felt heavy, so i went to bed, slept for 5 hours. i woke up feeling brand new but almost as if i was still dreaming. i thought i was dreaming that he wasn't coming. i wanted it to be a lie so bad. but it wasn't. and surprisingly, i'm okay with that. back to my point. before this whole dylan "dilemma" i lived for the unexpected, i constantly held hands for it, the words "let it be" tied around my neck. and just within the past what? 5 days i completely forgot those words i live my life by. i indulged in impatience, always trying to take control over the situation, over-analyzing. and look where i ended up? disappointed. but hey, every day's a learning process.

also, i've become really interested with the whole concept of "the laws of attraction" i don't know. perhaps to some it sounds absurd but i suppose i semi-believe it. believe. i completely agree with the fact that if you think positively, good things will happen to you. my mum always says "send out the love, even to those who have hurt you in the past, you wish them the best in their lives." i think if you send out the love, you'll receive it in return. but to "get what you want" doesn't just take believing, it takes effort. its an entanglement of both. you have to put you're entire focus in it, all your faith in it. you need to silence the fear. the insecurities. the doubts. completely abolish negativity. conversely, you have to accept whatever happens happens. believe that everything happens for a reason. but never stop believing. never give up. because you have to fight for it, you've got to want it.

i'm glad i have my mum to go to nowadays for advice. she is like buddha. haha. if anything, i am so grateful for everything's she's done for me and i am so friggin proud of her. i know her company is getting a shitton of recognition lately and a lot of people have made offers to her to buy her company but she loves it too much and all the people she works with to give it up. and i know her success is gonna explode. i know within the next couple of years its going to get big, its going to be supernova. but i love my mum. and she deserves everything. i actually talked to her about the whole "dylan situation" and she said "we're artists, we never take the easy way out, its always going to be difficult." but i understood. i like it when she tells me stories of how i was as a kid and how certain quirks still haven't changed. the fact that threats have never brought me down, honestly. i could have 83494829 time outs in one day and i wouldn't give a shit. my mum would take away my iPod or whatever music device i had at the time, i didn't care i would find another one or borrow my sister's. or the fact that i've always been a strong minded person with a strong personality. i've never been afraid to really be myself. to voice my opinions. she always tells me how i'm kind of a magnet for people. how i have some sort of personality or whatnot that attracts people. i think thats true. but i've only believed it now because i am finally in a state where i have centered myself, a place where i finally love myself.

& truth be told, whatever it is that has made me finally centered i am proud of myself. i am so close to 9 months without SI-ing. it's fucking insane! when you're in that state of mind where you feel so helpless, hopeless and overwhelmed. legit rock bottom. you think you're trapped forever, that happiness feels so distant, and you want it so bad but you don't know how to get there. but from what i know. it is a process. and being alive, you have to want it. you need to fight for it. for yourself. your heart. your friends. your family. for music. for all the things you call important. because it matters. and maybe today is blue but never fear tomorrow. because somewhere along the way, you will become your own revolution.

p.s i've started to use my tumblr a lot more, its main purpose is just to post pictures of things that inspire me or however i felt that day. its basically a bunch of whateverness. there's not a lot of context. but click the picture below if you want to check it out: