my heart smiles.

the fact that i may potentially see you tomorrow is both scary, nerve-wrecking, enticing and exciting all at once.

i haven't had butterflies like these in a really long time. i can't even remember the last time i actually really fancied someone. that kind of crush when you wait for him all day to go online and just knowing he's there makes your heart flutter, even if you don't end up saying anything to him. the kind where you forget all the words you spent hours rehearsing so you don't say the wrong thing. the kind where he's on your mind, all the freaking time. is there a cure for this? because i have tried so hard to rid myself of this feeling. its so tormenting and interesting at the same time. i haven't talked to you in 2 weeks but it was for my own good because i didn't want to seem pushy, ohman. the mathematics of "love." i don't know what it is, what THIS is. there's this feeling inside that is screaming and yelling at the top of its lungs shouting to world that this is it, this is the start of something new. and i'm not even sure what it is but this feeling keeps pulsating, it started off as a whisper, which slowly turned into a scream. it keeps saying that you have to believe in this, even though you're scared, even though you don't know what to do, even though this is painful. believe.

i don't know why i have so much reassurance. that somehow, even though this seems so ridiculously absurd it is going to happen. its funny, because everyone believes in it too. i don't know how i am so sure. but i can feel it in all these songs speaking to me. i can feel it when i think of you. i don't know why i have so much hope in this. maybe its because i know you're just as broken as me. that you're intriguing. that i want to get to know you better. know you're story. all your likes and dislikes. how your mind unravels. the way your heart works. i still don't believe it was the drunkenness when we kissed. i don't believe it at all. i could feel myself smiling. i can't even explain the feeling but it felt like i already knew you. and everything in that moment felt perfect. that's probably the closest i'll ever get to perfection and that was sheer bliss.

i think i'm delusional, but there's a part of me that holds so much faith in this. it is bellowing from my insides. i liked the way the music moved us both that night. how it felt like forever in those 4 hours. and every time i listen to owl city, bon iver or the spill canvas i think of you. i just want to let you trust me in this, let me protect your heart, i will carry it everywhere with me. and i'd hope you'd do the same. for some reason the only thing that seems ideal is just laying down next to you on a bed. just laying down next to another human being, skin to skin contact. just feel your embrace. not even have sex. just lay there together, have conversations, we can deconstruct life's calamities together. i would tell you about my adventures abroad, about all the kids that could just smile at you and erase every fear, flaw, insecurity or bit of sadness and frustration you've ever felt in your entire life. you would tell me about music and how songs mean so much to you. you would tell me about the day you witnessed the car crash and how your heart felt heavy. i would tell you my stories and you would kiss my scars. we would laugh. and scream. and sing. us against the world. we would be infinite.