somersaults.

i saw you today. and my heart did a thousand sommersaults. i was half drunk and you walked in the venue and stood in front of me. i whispered to steph "that's him." she giggled and nudged me to talk to him. i said later. we walked out so i could breathe, so i could contemplate. we re-entered the building and steph whispers to me "he looked over at you." i smiled. i was nervous. i couldn't believe this. i couldn't stop biting my lip out of anxiousness. i kept looking at you. my head bobbed up and down to the comforting acoustic guitar and soothing voice of Kiddo's lead man. i think you saw me from the corner of your eye. i watched you go up front and do a little dance. i laughed and smiled. i liked how you weren't afraid. you didn't have a care in the world who was watching you, you just listened to the music and danced. even if it was awkward and funny and weird all at the same time. the song faded and everyone went out. steph and i moved to the back to sit on chairs. i watched you exit and enter. you sat down alone with an empty chair beside you. steph nudges me and says "go, talk to him." i tell her i can't. she says "do you want me to go with you?" but i know the answer. i needed to be brave. i tell her "no, i need to do this myself." out of fear and courage i walk up to him and do an awkward wave in the face accompanied by a hello, i sit next to him. i ask him how he is and he says "fantastic." i smile. we talk about the band Right and how he's known the guitarist, Dave for so many years but has never made it out to one of his shows. i reassure him that they're pretty good live as i've seen them a couple of times. you tell me how they changed their sound and how its all mellow now and how they used to be more dancy. i like it when you talk about music and how you love dancy beats. then begins the semi-awkward silence but i ask you what school you go to and what you're studying. you tell me you're just taking whatever and you inform me about philosophy and how you enjoy that class and how you are all over the place. i laugh, i secretly admire how you don't know what direction your life is going, i comment and say well that's good you're experimenting. now that i recall, i smiled and laughed way too much when in your presence. you ask me about school and i tell you i want to major in photography. steph comes over and sits next to me and she knows i am way too happy. i feel bad because we both know the awkward silence, how we want to say something but the question is what to ask?



i nudge you and ask how your bands doing. you laugh and tell me how you want to create a 5 piece band but school is consuming your time. you tell me how you jot down ideas every now and then for future reference to create songs. danny comes along and starts talking to us. i feel a bit more comfortable because he’s always a laugh. Right comes on and we are ordered to move our chairs to the very front. they start off we mellow songs and then Leon tells us we are free to stand and dance now. you get overly excited. both you and danny. i stand behind you, i didn’t feel like it was necessary to be right beside you. i listened to the lyrics, the way the guitars and vocals and drums and piano clashed. i watched you move with the music. i laughed. i wondered. i wanted to hold your hand. you look back every now and then. and i m okay with not saying anything to you throughout the set. i like watching you awkwardly dance with your hand gestures meshed with hXc dancing and moshing // swaying. its entertaining. as the night starts to end i tell steph and her bf to leave without me, i tell them i need to say bye to people. to be honest, I’ve NEVER put myself so much out of my comfort zone in this type of situation before. EVER. so there i was alone, without moral support, and the only people i knew were acquaintances. i start chatting with miggy just because he s funny even though he s half an asshole but he s nice to me. dave sees me and says hi and thanks me for coming out to the show, i give him a hug. i thought migz was going to follow me outside but apparently not so i walk out and start talking to danny. we have really strange conversations. mostly it was him being super hyper and telling me about all his magic tricks...that weren’t actually magic tricks at all. you re in our little circle and i can see your awkward stance. i ask the two of you if you fancied the gig, you said you did but not really. truth, i love your awkwardness it just adds to all the other random details I’ve noticed about you.

the one thing that stands clearly in my mind is how something tells me you're broken. that whoever loved you last hurt you, and the scars run deep. but you hide it well. i can see it in your eyes, the way you're scared. afraid to love again. you're kind, i know it but you didn't really show an interest in me and you know what? i'm perfectly okay with that. because i know you're a tad timid and you're confused and hurt and lost. whatever happens, happens. but i will say that seeing you tonight made my heart smile, even if the feelings aren't returned because i am more content of the fact that i went out of my ordinary boundaries. that i surprisingly managed to keep conversation going with people who i don't know very well, especially with the fact i was pretty sober by the end of the night. and perhaps there was no drunken kisses tonight but i felt like i was myself, not too pushy, not trying too hard, and plus i gave you a hug. you're freaking adorable and i hope that one day i can show you that i can carry your heart.