affliction.

i haven't felt my depression with such force in an extremely long time. i forgot what dying feels like. i feel like a walking corpse, i'm dead but i'm alive.

i don't feel safe. i'm fucking scared to death. the terrifying reality that i know i am FULLY CAPABLE of relapsing. that i know i can succeed in hurting myself again. in suicide. but i know i can't allow myself to do that. no. but everything is chaos. and i let people affect me more than they should. i let you in too deep. and now i can't get you out. you've gotten under my skin. and all i want to do is cut you out. i hate that i want to save everyone. but i can't be the rescuer. i can't help everyone. the only person that can save you is yourself. you can have all the support in the world but it all comes down to you, changing for yourself. no one else has that power except you.

i am the best actress. but anyone can fake emotions behind a screen. it doesn't matter how many smiley faces or lol's you type out. no one can ever tell if you're being real or not. i haven't felt this emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted in so long. i just want to sleep for eternity or run away. but you can't run away from your own mind. it'll always be with you. it'll always follow you. inevitable.

i don't know why this hurts so much more this time. i am just so tired of always being this 3 second thing to everyone. just used and abused. its the thing to do. to be inconsiderate. to be mislead. so continue that sweet talk, cloaked with deceit. and i want to hate, i do. i do. i do. i want to throw punches, scream obscenities, say vicious words. but what's the point? its just me. completely taken aback. completely vulnerable. completely damaged. i feel stuck. so incredibly stuck. and i'm wasting away with time. with the seconds. everything just feels heavy.

funny, i don't think anyone knows just how self-destructive i can really be. how much i ache. how much the pain engulfs me whole. the way my head throbs but not because of headaches, because of thoughts. the way that organ beating in my chest feels like its been ripped out and it just leaves that empty feeling. how my entire body feels like its burning. bruised. and broken. such calamity. such suffering. i don't know the way back from the wreckage. i don't know the way out. i don't know how to save myself.

i don't know how to be okay again.