aches.

there has been this excruciating pain my lower back // stomach area and i haven't been able to eat all day.

it hurts to move and to breathe. not to mention the mental and emotional pain. i am half in a bad place and i just feel so disgusting all over. the thing is, i know its my fault that my health is absolute shit right now. sobriety starts now. no alcohol. no pot. no drugs. at least until i can get my body back in order. i completely fucked up my liver. i just feel so awful right now and i hate how tylenol only works for a couple of hours. i swear to god i'm going to overdose on that shit 'cause i've literally been taking it every 4 hours. bloody hell.

plus, i'm dropping some classes because obviously right now the only thing that matters is my health and i could give a shit less about school right now. i have zero motivation and my concentration has completely dispersed. sleep is a good escape. i've done shit all all day and more than anything i just want this pain to go away because it actually feels like i'm fucking dying. its always in these moments that i miss the hospital the most. i don't know why people are so terrified of them, they kind of speak some sort of comfort and safety for me. maybe i'm just crazy. the problem with school is that i fucked it up completely. i am ridiculously behind and i just keep letting everything slip away. but failure is okay. i've learned to accept it. and that its not the end. everything will work itself out. i just need to focus on my health because my god it's shit. i feel like all my strings in my body broke and it all needs to be tied back together.