finally.

i don't know what it is but somehow today just feels different. a good different. i've been sick for so long its pretty much been a month. mentally. emotionally. physically. but somehow there is a change in the air. i think at the beginning of february i just got really down on myself, let insecurities and old demons that i thought i had destroyed long ago had resurfaced. i let them encompass me. i let it all get to me. and i believe that when your mental health is deteriorating it affects your physical health. i unknowingly let myself get sick. the mind is powerful that way.

i woke up early, which NEVER happens for me because i like to sleep in. i woke at freaking 8:30 am with The Cab singing in my ears. i woke up with a smile on my face. and somehow this feeling inside telling me that everything is going to be okay and amazing things are coming in the near future. i don't know. this doesn't happen often but when it does i embrace it in its entirety. i don't believe people can be trapped forever. there is always a light. you just have to believe it. depression, anger, frustration, stress are funny things. pain is like a straight jacket sometimes. you're stuck. you can't get out. and you don't know how to feel. and all you can do is just lie there and let it engulf you. but i believe in fighters and dreamers. that everyone is meant for something bigger than themselves.

the only thing that's ever made sense to me is music. i can't even fully express how much it means to me // i can't even reiterate enough how powerful and inspiring it is. i listen to all types of music but i think pop punk really does it for me. i don't know, i've just grown up with it for so long i don't think i could ever stop loving it. there's just something different about it. i mean i know generally most pop punk sing anthems for teenagers and all that teen angst but there's just something so goddamn hopeful about it that i love. the energy. the catchiness. but i love it to death. i know "indie" music is really in these days but i'm so sick and tired of it. i'm having severe pop punk concert withdrawal. there hasn't been one here in van in almost a year, minus warped tour. THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH THAT. i remember pop punk bands used to come every month or two but now its all about these "indie" bands, i don't mind but i'm just really missing an energetic crowd and a decent moshpit. i don't think people understand what's it like to love music this much. i treat it too much like a friend. these songs. its as if someone has been gone for too long and i'm missing them terribly.

on the bright side, i'm going to L.A with my sister in may to visit my cousins and to go see Glee in concert, well mainly my sister wants to go. and apparently Cobra Starship & 3OH!3 are playing while we're there so i'm trying v hard to convince my parents to let me go and let me get my fix. haha. and there is a slight possibility of going to Toronto for Warped Tour and the best thing about that is that i'd be going with my friends from Kenya, my cousin and one of my best friends, Jenny! there are just way too many amazing possibilities happening and i plan to make them happen.

even if you've failed yourself, you can always pick yourself up again. i'm finally feeling real again. and its a damn good feeling.