today. every day gets a little bit better and better. this is a tough process. this healing. to mend this [broken heart.] eliminate heartache. all that's broken will eventually alleviate.
even though i'm starting to smile doesn't mean i'm completely whole again. i still think about you sometimes. i always wonder about people. i have this ability to read people, to feel their energy, to get a sense of who they are. i'm not saying its 100 % accurate but for the most part its pretty damn close. i ponder too much on how every individual has a story, how we all have scars - they don't have to be physical, literal. but mental and emotional. we all have something that affects us. we all have emotional baggage. we all have wounds and things inside us that break and hurt. all the unattached strings. i think too much about that. i care too much. i am so intrigued by people's stories. if someone tells you their story, that's a clear invitation of trust right there. at least for me, it is. i know its easy to judge people, its pretty human to do so. but i really wish people could let down their guard of judgement. i really try not to indulge in that because you never know what people are going through and trust me, all those faces you see that smile all the time, always the unexpected ones are the most damaged. you never know how much people are hurting. they are the best actors.
and with this i think we all wear masks too. i find its extremely difficult to be completely ourselves with everyone and people in general. the only time we are infinitely real is in our own solitude or perhaps, in really rare occasions you can trust someone so much you're not afraid to be absolutely vulnerable in front of them. flaws completely on display. raw. we all hide. we all have secrets engraved into our veins.
i think i'm really attracted to tragic characters. damaged people just appear more interesting, i mean i know everyone is detrimental but people who have gone through hell and back. they've been somewhere where most never want to travel to. this whole process of deconstructing my thoughts and allowing time to heal itself has really expanded my understanding of this whole situation. including my heart and mind. and acceptance is everything in terms of letting it be. positive mindset. acceptance. take responsibility. but never give up. never lose sight of hope. even in the most painful, darkest times i still hold onto hope no matter how thin or lose that string may be. its a fight. its not an easy battle. but you have to believe that everything will be okay. that this isn't the end. that there is a light.
"i believe that pain is universal, which is to say that all of us can relate to pain. we break and don't fix easy. we break in different ways, at different times, for different reasons. we lose things. we get stuck in moments. we are slow to forgive, slow to change, slow to ask for help. we are slow to truly love people....pain seems to scream. it asks for all our attention. pain suggests that we are only broken, that we are only all the things in us that ache. certainly, we are responsible for our actions but "forgiveness" is a beautiful word. "change" is a beautiful possibility. "hope" and "rescue" are important words."
- Jamie Tworkowski
if anything. hope is real.
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