the last couple of days have been hard. a lot of thinking. a lot of being alone with my thoughts. and on most days that scares me. i've learned that having clinical depression is going to always be a part of me. there was a long period of time where i was consistently happy, even though there were hard times in between i still smiled. i guess i thought i was strong enough to make this go away, to fight off my demons. the last month or so has been super difficult. it's been a long time feeling these pains again. its terrifying because you think you've defeated it and out of nowhere it just comes back full circle. i know what i'm doing in secrecy is not healthy, i know i am extremely self-destructive and i think i need to start telling people things. even if its scary because i think its important to get some of these things out. no one knows about my borderline eating disorder. this is something i have kept from everyone for a couple years now. the thing about me is i am really good at hiding things. i'm a terrific liar, not that i'm proud of it but it comes in handy in certain situations. i can be so well composed and no one would ever know that behind that mask, underneath that disguise my entire structure is disintegrating. i hide a lot of my best kept secrets well hidden. more like, dangerous secrets.
the thing about me is i don't like talking about, i don't like asking for help and as much as its damaging i do it also so people don't have to worry about me. they don't need the extra baggage. in a way i like to think i'm doing everyone a favour because my problems aren't the easiest to handle and i can be a burden sometimes and i know it as much as everyone knows it. after a while, helping people gets tiring especially when its the same issues recycling over and over again. and i know for the people around me they get tired of it, i am exhausting. i admit that. also, being a stubborn person i like to believe i can handle the chaos on my own. i've always been quite independent and its always a confusing, frustrating battle with myself. on the other hand, there's that tiny part of me that wants people to help me, to save me. to notice. but i can never allow myself to do that because i like to maintain my concealment.
as much as indulging in the depression, letting my own demons take hold of me i'm going to fight this. there are little bits of hope in every day. i know that. i see it. i just need to believe it. and fight for it. there are parts of me that's already regretting my decision but i know myself best that this is what i wanted and that i need to look out for #1 right now. my health is the most important thing to me in this point in my life because my lack in concentration, my severe decrease in serotonin aka happiness is affecting every aspect of my life and i'm letting it control me. i've been listening to the cab a lot, and oddly enough alex deleon's voice and lyrics are kind of saving me. i stayed up late, reading his blog for 3 hours last night and he is truly inspiring. at first i didn't really like his band or him but i decided to give them a second chance. he seems like a real, genuinely nice person. i like how his blogs had explanations // the stories behind all the songs on their record. "I'll Run" and "Take My Hand" are probably my favourites, especially "I'll Run." i have this strange attraction to hopeful songs or sad songs. but there is something particular about the tunes that sing about hope. it pulls at that organ beating in my chest. a reminder to keep fighting.
i know that right now there's a bit of tension in the house. my mum and i haven't exchanged much dialogue since my decision. its as much as a transition for me as it is for her. i know every parent just wants their kid(s) to succeed in life and its difficult watching them make some hard decisions. i just need her to have my support in this. she can't control my life. she can't make these decisions for me. i am terrified okay. i am fucking scared to the bone. i don't know what i'm doing with my life but i'm learning to accept fear because it will always be a part of life and being human. i am learning every day to fight for this. that this is a process that i have to work through. but it'll take effort and patience. i don't have everything figured out and that's okay. nothing is definite. no one knows what the future holds. and i am constantly reiterating this but i believe it so much even though right now there are these aches and pains, i am meant for bigger things. so this is it The Great Perhaps.
have a little faith in me.
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