i don't know.

i've been better. and pieces of my soul are starting to come back to me. but in the quietness of my own solitude. i am completely and so utterly vulnerable. i don't know how to feel. i don't know what to feel. but all i know is that this all fucking hurts way too much. i don't know how to stop the pain. i don't know how to prevent the tears. i feel like i'm just sinking. and every now and again i can reach the surface. but its so hard to maintain safety. happiness. peace.

i'm stuck on you. on this. and i question this every day on why this is affecting me so much. i know i just liked the idea of you. the attention you gave me. how you made me feel [wanted.] [special.] but sweet talk is just another form of deceit. and i always listen to lies. nothing makes sense anymore. but i don't think anything made sense to begin with. everything is suffocating me. paralysis. immobility.

i hung out with adam today. its strange to miss someone even when you're in the same room as them. i guess i just miss what we used to have. that old feeling. and i can't go back to it because it hurts too much and its uncomfortable now. i'm too hung up on someone who just gave up on me and doesn't exactly want anything to do with me. its fucking absurd. i feel so idiotic. but i know at the same time i'm allowed to feel this way but it just seems so goddamn ludicrous. uncertainty is a bitch. i still keep holding onto that memory. that moment when you were staring at my tattoo on my wrist, just stroking it. and i asked you what do you feel? and you said well, if you don't concentrate that hard you can't feel or see the scars but when you do you can. i wasn't even talking about my tattoo. but i knew that connection. that knowing, spoke so terrifyingly. yet it gave me some sense of reassurance, an unknown security.