Woah, 100 views. I never really thought people actually viewed my page, that kinda scares me.
Well, today was better...I guess. I have a lot to be grateful for, a lot o smile for. So that's what's keeping me going. The weather was dreadful though. Literally pouring buckets, I was booking it to school 'cause I was scared my art portfolio was going to be drenched. Thank god it survived. I showed it to my Art Careers teacher, Mrs. Smith she loved it. I know, this sounds really awkward and conceited [in some weird way] but I know I'm one of her favourite students, I just like how she has a lot of faith in me when I don't believe in myself. She keeps me grounded. And she definitely inspires me tons. She totally would be the type of person who's done numerous crazy things in her life and probably has insane life stories. I could totes see that. I'd love to just sit down with her and converse over tea, she'd definitely be so fun to hang out with! And she has amazing style. Plus, she's South African so her accent is pretty epic, too. Haha. But yeah, she thinks I'm going to get into Art School. I really hope I do. Portfolio day is coming up REALLY EFFING SOON. And I'm so scared out of my skin. Seriously. I mean there's kids in my Art Careers class who, GOD KNOWS WHERE THEY GET THE TIME, and have like 384928423908432409238 projects to present. I mean, I have my stuff from Oxtrad and India and other random art projects I've done throughout the years. I guess I'm just going to chance it and hope for the best and keep my optimism real high. And I've accepted the fact that if I don't get a letter I can always try again in March. Plus, going to portfolio day I can get some feedback on my art to see what I can work on. =D
Oh yeah, yes that is Audrey Kitching aka Twigg Violence. She is gorgeous and she's really sweet in person & MEGA SHORT. Like my height, 5"1 - 5"2.
I know I have a lot to smile for. I know I do. Trust me, I am aware. But sadly the elephant is back.
He's going to be around for a while, and it sickens me to death.
I told Nichola how I slipped for a bit, she got really worried and told me to ring her immediately
when I felt the feeling coming on to want to self-abuse. I thanked her for her kind words.
I feel better that at least one person knows.
And I know not going to school yesterday was good for me.
It was something I did for myself, for my health.
I woke up feeling extremely physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.
I have never felt so fatigue in my entire life, it scared me.
And I knew Nichola and Nat would be texting and calling me to see where I was.
And for some reason when Nat called, I could hardly speak to her.
It was the most awkward conversation we've ever had.
Plus, today at lunch I waved a hello at her but something seemed wrong.
I didn't want to ask how she was because I knew she wouldn't fully explain
or she'd take out her frustration on me.
She seemed so distant, hiding in headphones, anti-social.
I know a couple of us came to her with open arms, asking what was wrong
but she pushed us all away.
She didn't even try conversing with us at all.
I don't know.
I can understand that she'd be mad at me because I cancelled last minute
and told her I couldn't go to that protest with her.
I was just feeling extremely exhausted and didn't have the energy to do it.
And if she's miffed at me for that then that's really idiotic because
I do SO MUCH for her, I go with her to ALL THESE protest JUST FOR HER,
I made the GSA JUST FOR HER, when my main focus is TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
I think I need to just loosen up this weekend in terms of just kick back & relax type thing.
Just need to work on my art because I haven't done it in so long and just spend the
weekend with Nichola 'cause she makes me happy and doing art with her is hilarious.
Free from pessimism.
I know I'm going to have to confront her at some point but right now I just need space
because I think that' best for me. The last thing I want to do is end up talking to her and
blowing up in her face and having the resolution burn in flames.
So the weather is heavy, the clouds above my head, the rain dropping to their demise,
but I'm okay with it all, really. Surprisingly. I'm alright. I feel good today.
And thank god, I have a parasol today.
p.s I'm still fighting for her and I will, it's a process. We're in this together. I still love Nat,
just need time. Hope. The music will save her tonight when I'm not there. Hope.
this is progress.
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