I have so many reasons to be frustrated with her.

The term "best friend" doesn't come often,

I hate how it categorizes people into something more significant,

how to certain people it only means one person.

I have many, but two of them just hold more 

important to me than others.

I love her, dearly I really do.

But I feel like the ONE time I need her she isn't there for me.

After countless times of being there for her,

she can't do it for me.

And the disappointment is sinking in my heart.

And I cannot fathom why this is so.

And I am not surprised if she is discreetly mad at me.

I don't see any legit reason why she would be except,

maybe the fact Nichola and I hang out more. 

I can understand if she feels a bit excluded,

but here's my explanation:

There's this awkwardness that lingers between us,

I suppose this strange tension has grown...maybe

now I see it has transformed into an elephant

because now it prohibits me from mentioning

certain things around you. Especially about J.

But I know that it's uncomfortable because

he's your brother, I can see how you would

rather avoid that conversation. But this

tension just makes me unable to say the things

I wish you could hear. I don't know how this

happened, I don't know why I feel distant or

vice versa. I don't know how we got here.

But it's here. It's happened. 

I suppose it's because in previous times,

I've tried telling you things but your reaction

wasn't what I was expecting...most of the time

you dismiss what I have to say, even what Nichola

has to say. 

In other times, you have been a great friend you

have been there for me but you have never really

showed any interest in my [life]. Especially when

it comes to fancying people, you usually say okay or

say something I already know and then start a new

dialogue about something revolving around you.

I just feel as if I have done so so so much for you,

I love you unconditionally, care for you unconditionally,

yet the one time I needed you most you just let me fall.

Perhaps, you didn't really see it, maybe I didn't scream

louder for you to hear my pain but I am extremely sure

you could hear my suffering over the phone...even when I

was trying to hide it I knew you knew yet you failed to

fucking help me.

I don't know.

I don't want to be angered with you but it just hurt.

You bruised a part of me.

I feel used.

And broken.

Taken advantage of.

I can understand if you have your own quandaries to

deal with before you can deal with mine, I know it's hard

to have to face your own predicaments and when they engulf

you and you want to help someone else but you can't because

they've consumed you entirely.

But now I'm left, short of words.

And I lay the blame on you because Nat, you let me drown.

andiwishitwasn'tlikethis,butitis.