Detrimental.

my head hurts.

headaches. headaches. headaches.

i am so overwhelmed.

consumed by homework, pressure, deadlines,

unnecessary drama, stupid insecurities, "abusive" friends,

lies and stress.

ohgod, how can i lie to myself like this?

how can i even speak those words: "i am clean,"

"i am doing alright," "i am getting better."

All prevarications. I am such damn good actress.

I know, I know.

In the back of my mind, that voice that whispers.

"You've found your way back to the wreckage."

Oh, how I've become best friends again with old habits.

Razorblade secrets.

And I just want to feel something more.

And I have slipped. Oh, I have slipped.

What's worse is that I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL A THING.

I just want to experience the pain to wake up.

But I can't feel a thing.

The vices are no longer vices.

I don't know what has become of them.

Because my only [escape] is dysfunctional.

I don't know what to do. 

I can't scream.

My lungs are exhausted and destroyed.

I can't tell anyone.

My words swallowed back down, expired.

I can't fight.

My sword is demolished and I've lost my courage.

And it feels like last October,

befriending the demons again.

Loneliness is such a keeper.

Detrimental. 

I don't know how to love.

Someone answer me.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING TEMPORARY?

And I am engulfed by blackness. 

Where the light can't find me.