So a lot has happened.
I finally got the courage to ask Nat about her
thought on the whole her brother & me situation.
She was wondering when I would ask her.
She told me honestly, personally, it wouldn't work
out because she doesn't think he's comfortable with
the idea of him dating his sister's best friend, two,
he's tried going out with his twin sister's friends and he
hated it even though they were the same age, three, she
doesn't think he'd go out with someone older not because
he's really "traditional" but somewhere along there and four,
i am much too mature for him. So she said it'd probably work
out when he's in Gr. 12 or older because right now he's much
too immature for me, she says.
Honestly, I wasn't really disappointed. I don't know why?
Maybe something just clicked inside my heart. As if the pieces
just fit right, finally, perfectly.
And I am quite astounded by myself because my heart doesn't
really ache at all?
And I remember Nichola's words saying that even though things
don't work out, look how much you've surprised yourself in this.
And well, it's true. I totally went out of my comfort zone for him
and did things I wouldn't have even expected myself to do, so I must
say I am quite proud.
And I have to say, my heart is feeling less heavy and the awkward
tension has dispersed, the elephant is gone. I think all of them are.
But Friday killed me a bit.
I saw him later on that day...omygod. It was so hard trying to not
talk to him but then again he ends up talking to me no matter how hard
I tried to avoid him. I remember the way he face lights up every time I'm
in his presence, how for some odd reason he always say hi to me, and his
friends do too and they don't pay very much attention to Nichola.
He told me how Nat told him I knew how to use photoshop so he asked
if I could do his myspace layout and banner and such for his band and I agreed.
Later, I was playing my party mix for Nat and "There's A Party In Your Bedroom"
by Cash Cash came on and he's like hey! I love this song. [I knew that of course.]
It was quite funny because for an hour I was helping both Nat and him decide
what to wear for their events that they were attending. He seemed to go on
for my approval more than Nat's. I don't know, that kid is damn iffy.
But I enjoy his presence. Oh yeah, Nat and I were fiddling around with my
polaroid camera and she went into his room with my nerd glasses and camera
and was all like POPPARAZZI! POPPARAZZI! And he was like WTF! It was
quite funny. Then, Nat asked to take a pic of him and he's like I'm not going
to take it by myself! Kendahl has to be in it! (So that is a bit questioning.)
So we did and he did an Alex Gaskarth typed pose and I did my whole "weasel" face.
So, I'm going to stick with my theory that I think there will always be something
between us whether we care to admit it or not. I know it has potential but we're
both scared, feeling prohibited and a bit perplexed. Questioning.
And you know what?
I'm okay with that.
Also, I turned seventeen yesterday! It was awesome. My birthday party went well.
We all got our hair & make-up done. Everyone looked incredibly stunning. I can't get
over it. We then had a photoshoot; individuals, group photos. It was epic!
I went all trashy-life. That was my theme. Everyone had to be "lahbraic." And
everyone managed to pull it off! And afterwards, it was probably 12 am and a bunch
of us wanted to go to a party and we knew there was a dance party that was happening
but it was +19 so... because we have connections my friend Nina managed to call the
guy who was taking photos to try and get us in. Also, that boy totally fancies Nina which
is really funny. We were all a bit scared because none of us were 19 and none of us had
fake IDs. Also, Nina and Nichola both could pull of being 19 but Sarah and I, definitely not.
When we got there we were let in automatically! They didn't even ID us at all! It was awesome.
We were so stoked we got in, we danced and let loose. We decided not to drink just 'cause
we knew bad news would occur, mainly if I did people would have to babysit me and that
wouldn't be coo' at all.
Highlights:
- Sarah getting offered E, it was hilarious
- Boy with the nerd glasses being extra cute and dancing with us
- Boy with nerd glasses leaving and then coming back to dance with us &
looking at us for approval; we just smiled at him
- Kane taking a bajillion photos of Nina
- Nina having a mini photoshoot with Kane and totally loving it, despite the
fact she totally denied it
- Nichola getting lick by a 30 year old and getting asked to go back to his parent's house after
- NO GRINDFEST, NO SLUTFEST
- People just chillin' and dancing
- Everyone complimenting our make-up and hair
- Staying out 'till 3 am
- Trying to get a cab
- Feeling older
My night went super well! I still can't believe we got in it was so fucking epic!
And it was EXACTLY what I wanted to do after my birthday party, because we just
looked so phitty!
So that's that.
I see good things coming my way.
note to self: control; you have control over today no one else can tell
you how to make your own decisions, you have the ability to decide what you will do next.
acceptance; accept who you are, yourself entirely. you can't change that.
accept your scars, your past, accept your beauty, your personality, your style, your music.
accept what happens even when you are scared, even when you fall.
new beginnings, that's all i have to say.
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