twisted knots.

i keep listening to owl city because it makes me feel closer to you. i listen to "self-conclusion" by the spill canvas because that's where you got the idea for the name of your band. i listen to bon iver because it makes me think of what we could have.

but you don't know any of it. you don't have a goddamn clue how much you're pulling at my heart strings, how i wish i could feel your embrace again. your lanky body, your long bony arms, your messy dark hair. i want to taste you again. your lips brushing against mine. and i just want to feel alive again. because i keep telling myself i am, or this is it or this is how i should feel but i don't know anymore. and i know i could initiate conversation, it looks easy but it isn't. i can feel myself being too forceful and something like this needs patience. i keep hearing two different sides. one saying, "you only live once, stop hesitating and just go for it." and the other saying "you can't push this, you have to let it be." i don't know what to do but i am leaning more towards option two.

i wish you didn't live so far away. i wish you were interested like how you were before. i wish i could get to know you. i want to know you. this ridiculous ordeal is making my brain work on overdrive. my heart is all confused and has lost all sense of direction. my stomach is twisting and knotting. please free me of this feeling because i don't want to [[love]] you this way. it hurts too much and i wish you didn't infect my memory, the way you do.

but in the back of my mind, in the bottom of my heart i want you to sing
"heaven's not a place that you go when you die, its that moment in life when you touch her and you you feel alive."