losing the compass.

profession of expertise: heartbreaker.

i break too many hearts. this always happens. even if i don't do ANYTHING, i still end up breaking someone's heart. why does this always happen? i'm a nice person, or at least i like to think so. i don't lead boys on, or anyone on. i am just me. i am friendly. i don't give false hope. but somehow along the way even with my honesty, even when i clearly give the other a good idea that i am NOT interested in them i still hurt them. and all i am doing is being me. all i am doing is nothing. even if i don't say anything. heartbreaker. thats what i am. thats what my mum even says. i broke another heart today but eventually the truth had to be laid out. MJ was into me, he's 23. I'm 17. thats a pretty big age difference. i don't mind older guys but he just wasn't my kind of fancy. he's a nice person but not my type. he asked me he had heard from others that i wasn't interested in him and that he wanted the truth. i told him simply that i didn't feel the same way but i thought he was coo' as a friend and as a person and that i was sorry if i gave any false impressions. he said he was pretty bummed but that he can't blame me and that at least this it out of the way. i don't know why i feel so terrible about this, i guess i've always been someone who's tried to make others happy before myself. but when it comes to fancying people, especially if someone is interested me yet i am not interested in them i will never give them false hope. i've tried pretense on and its not attractive. it hurts people. it hurts me. and both sides are at a loss.

i feel like there's too many "boy issues" in my life right now. even steph thinks so. in her own words "you have so many boys in your life, i can't keep up." i think i need to go on strike again, but everyone knows i can't last that long without getting drunk or something and hooking up with someone because i am impulsive as fuck. it just always seems the guys i'm uninterested in are always into me and the boys i want i can never get their attention. funny how i have all these so-called males in my life yet i'm not dating any of them.

its always the boys i don't fancy i get and THE ONE BOY i fancy i can't seem to get attention from. you always want what you can't have. why does that happen? i mean EVERY SINGLE TIME i end up actually really fancying a boy i can never get his full attention. what is wrong here? and to the guys i'm not interested in, I CLEARLY paint a picture for them that i am attracted to them. truth be told, the male species i will never understand. ever.

my heart's all over the place. i don't even know anymore. it pulls me in every direction and i've lost the compass yet again. there's no use for a map because i can't even find north. poor little organ engulfed by confusion. i can't seem to make up my mind and that's the difficult part. damn my indecisive nature. the only thing left to do is just stay where i am, or let the wind take me where it may. i have no control over what will happen next. but as much as this kind of hurts, as much as i'm a bit scared with no sense of direction, i do like the unexpected, i always will and maybe just maybe i'll find something soon. whatever that may be.


& i'm a bit suspicious but this is probably my over-analyzing self talking, but i think rob fancies me, which is awkward because he's dylan's friend. he did go out of his way last night to talk to me and bbm me 'till 4 am when i fell asleep. ohwell.


i've been saying this a lot but whatever happens, happens.