the truth is, i am ashsamed. i am so fucking ashamed. and i regret it all. i don't know why the only one night stand that affects me the most is with jeremy. but i know the reason, once all the layers are shedded. its because i actually go to school with him. i see him every wednesday and i can't even allow myself to be friends with him, or be civil or have any sort of communication with him unless it has to do with school. every time i see his face i cringe, it makes me want to die right there because all i think about is how i was so incredibly stupid and impulsive at the time to hook up with him. i know we didn't have sex but the fact that shit happened between us makes me nauseous. i'm not really concerned if he tells people and word gets around because that's just one sided and they don't know my story. oh, that's the biggest reason why i feel so regretful. I TOLD HIM MY FUCKING STORY. but it wasn't even to have a connection for someone, for some god awful reason in my pathetically fucking mindless brain of mind i told my story for some sort of sympathy, some reaction of need and care in that specific moment in time. doing that makes me want to slit my wrists more than ever. but i know i am bigger than that. stronger than my demons. but i could easily slip. and i want to do it so badly. i've tried for so long to lie to myself, convince myself that i was okay with this but i'm not. its so difficult because now i'm put into a group project with him and all i want him to do is shut the fuck up and get the fuck out. actually. he may be 21 but he's one of the most immature people i know. he tries to act all "coo'" and be like a guy my age and its not very appealing. or the fact that he's older than me he looks down on me because i'm younger. FUCK OFF. i am way more emotionally stable than he is. i am a better person than him. i am not condescending. you can't change the past. we can't change what we've done so all i have is acceptance. responsibility. change - for the future.


on another note, i really miss the "scene kids" because they were into music that was real and honest. i remember all the bands from 9th grade, all the bands that understood my teenage angst, all the pain and suffering i felt at that specific moment in time. i miss bands like The Spill Canvas. Brand New. Taking Back Sunday. Old school Paramore. Hawthorne Heights. From First To Last. And of course all the pop punk. The Academy Is..., Old school All Time Low & Cobra Starship. blink-182. Panic! At The Disco (but only their first album.) Mae. Even old school Fall Out Boy. The Hush Sound. Jimmy Eat World. Something Corporate. & for me, Between The Trees.

I miss all of that. I'm so sick of this "indie//hipster" scene and everyone's into shitty electronic tunes meshed with pathetic acoustics and its really just techno but no. its distortion of sounds and crappy vocals. Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of "indie" bands but I am just so sick of it at the same time. I don't think "indie" music will ever make me feel as much as pop punk and alternative music will.




All right you win but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god, if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming
Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too...

We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self-conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets