love your wounds, mend your heart.

i think with destruction comes rebirth. you can tear down the walls, burn all the bridges, scream at the chaos and watch everything catch fire but when it all becomes ashes whats left to do? you can cry at the scenery, regret all you want and bury yourself in frustration or you can look at the wreckage and pick up the pieces. reconstruction. repairing all that was lost. all that was broken.

if anything, this last week has been a rollercoaster of emotions. it was difficult. some of the longest and painful days and nights i haven't endured in quite a long time. i haven't felt like an emotional wreck in forever and the pain that resurfaced scared me. i forgot how much all this hurt, how numb i could feel and how fucking hard it was to get back up on the ledge. but i know that this too shall pass and it did. we are in control of every minute we live. we have choices. and it'll always be a struggle to make the next right choice. every day is a learning process. and i am still healing but the scars are fading so beautifully, physically and mentally. i'm so glad i got "believe" with the sparrow tattooed on my left wrist. i stare at it all the time and remember all the paroxysms, all the turmoil i've been through. and i think to myself. i have survived.

its strange, a lot of people in my life have been going through so much and i am their shoulder to lean on. and i don't know what it is but i just know they can make it through. because pain is universal and no one said it was ever going to be easy. no one said you had to walk through it alone. i think i've learned to reach out for help instead of bottling it all up and expecting the pain to just vanish one day. sometimes all this affliction is too much. we need someone to help us. there are times where i need to be on the phone with someone, even if there's just silence just knowing someone is on the other line is enough.

to be honest, i've always had insecurities about my appearance but they were never said out loud. it was always in my own solitude i would criticize myself. i would never fish for compliments, i would never deliberately call out my faults in front of people so they'd feel sorry for me. it was always in the quiet. or in the silence of conversations. i would constantly compare myself to the people around me. to my best friends. to the girls who i thought were pretty in all those magazines. all those scene queens tearing up the internet. it was a continual fight within myself, always asking "why can't i look like that? why can't i be like that?" always always always wanting what i couldn't have. its strange because somewhere along the way, this year i started to really appreciate the girl in the mirror. in a quiet moment, i actually looked at myself straight in the eye and thought "damn, i'm beautiful." and words like that are hard to come by. days where i actually feel pretty are rare and you have to make them count.

its funny and scary all at the same time knowing i've actually came this far. that i'd never see the day where all that was detrimental, all that was bruised and scratched have healed. that i've finally learn to love myself with all my countless flaws, all my scars - mentally and physically. its a magical thing i find, to still find beauty within yourself even on your worse days, even when you look disheveled as fuck and you've got scraped knees, a broken heart and a mind full of chaos. strange how i can still find the light in these personal quagmires of mine. i like my eyes, my hair, my used-to-be-cheekbones, my lips, my collarbones, my stomach, my hipbones, my scar stained legs, even my small boobs and petite frame and even the dents displayed on my left arm from numerous razorblade inflictions.

my heart is open, the creases of my lips have turned into smiles, my eyes no longer speak torment nor chaos.

this is me and i am beautiful.