the last thing on your mind.

so here it is, being 18. so far its been a little over 6 hours since my birthday and i love it but i'm scared and nervous all at the same time. saturday i had a huge party at some penthouse my parents kindly rented out for me as a birthday gift because they knew i really wanted to throw a party and have a dance party.

lets just say it was freaking rowdyyy with 3 y's. it was super fun though, definitely something i'll remember....because the memories were quite hilarious not to mention insane and ridiculous. it was a random group of 30 kids that i knew. i actually invited some people i didn't know very well just for the hell of it but it turned out to be fantastic! i was a bit nervous since it was the first party i've ever thrown, like house party type deal. the setting: lots of food filled with grease, cholesterol, sugar and carbohydrates, an epic dance playlist ranging from pop punk to random techno, 40's of alcohol, tequila shots and tons of teenagers ready to fuck shit up.

i think it was a good way to celebrate my newly position of "becoming an adult" whatever thats supposed to mean. because if this is growing up, i'm terrified but love it all the same. it was really good seeing friends i hadn't hung out with since graduation and being with my besties and a couple of cute boys i knew. there wasn't any drama and thank god nothing was destroyed, nothing got spilt on and no one party puked on the floor.


whats standing out the most for me is you. how you came to the party just for me. not to even to meet new faces. just to see me. you could've gone with nate and allan, like you usually do. but no, you were there for me. and somehow that makes my heart smile a whole lot. the downside of all this is my dented memory. fucking tequila. this is what you get when you get too drunk. but from what i remember is this. all time low's "damned if i do ya" in the background the lines "tequila shot in the dark scene of the crime" reverberating off the walls, us singing loudly and coincidentally at that moment doing tequila shots. i recall dancing with you and its as if all the lights were entangled together folding into a perfect moment, just me and you and the music. you'd twirl me around and cleverly catch me in a way so you could hold me. it was cute. I remember letting the alcohol and loud, crashing sounds of techno, pop punk, random top 40 take me away. I was full of energy. Delirious. Ridiculous. and i had you completely wrapped around my finger, unknowingly. i remember your compliments. i remember you trying to not act a bit embarrassed for me because i was being inappropriate at times not to mention the amounts of absurdity that fell from my lips. but still you laughed and you smiled. and it didn't matter how drunk i was, or all the outrageous things i said or did. it seemed that all that mattered was that i was there within your presence, and you were grateful. now that i think of it, you were there for me to just celebrate my birthday and see me smile. knowing all of this makes my heart detonate into millions. i remember you having to leave, i remember kissing your cheek. i didn't want you to leave but you had to. and it was stupid, cliche "love" story right there.

and this is just the beginning of all of this. you know when everyone knows something and they don't tell you until 84093284290348 years later? that's all my friends right there. everyone at the party knew. i think it was brave of him to even act the way he did. i mean even though with the intoxication, i was subtle i didn't do anything noticeable. but there was immense flirting. i think everyone could see how bloody apparent, not to mention feel how intense our chemistry was. i heard it a million times the next morning. everyone telling me he was following me the entire night, that we were both attached to the hip. its funny and a tad embarrassing just because i can't recall certain moments. but all in all i know. the attraction is there. he brings out my best. and somehow i try and convince myself that i don't fancy him, that i can't allow myself to do this but i'm just in denial. i remain assured that he is attracted to me because there is physical, hard copy evidence and my god, its hilariously embarrassing yet it brings me a sort of strange content. i cannot explain. its crazy how evident the chemistry is between us. and everyone knows. i am hesitant in what the future holds, but whatever it is i'm ready for it. scared shitless but i'm excited. and this is what my mum meant when she said my heart is opening.

i can't even lie to myself. this is just too fucking cute beyond description.