skin & bones.

sometimes i lose myself in between the days. the hours. the minutes. as much as procrastination's existence is a prominent figure in my life, i like to think of it as an experiment. everyone has insomnia to some extent but i always challenge myself on just how much sleep i can survive on. almost everything i do in my life is for my mere attraction on experimentation. i like strange challenges. obscurity. bizarre obstacles. danger. the limitations or non-existing boundaries of comfort zones. always wondering at late hours of the night just how to get my inspiration and motivation going. always the how tos. the what to dos. the panic. the hopeful. and everything that settles in between. i know my passions. i semi know my full potential but don't act fully on it. i know i'm meant for bigger things. that place that resides in my chest. that box full of hope and love. it knows things. i am going to do something huge and crazy and amazing. but i don't know how to do it or how to get there.

i know i'm just a hypocrite for this as much as i hate it when people don't recognize their own beauty it seems like at times i can't recognize my own // refuse to acknowledge the "truth." to be honest, i feel really awkward when people compliment me or tell me i'm pretty. i don't know why, it has something to do with being put in the spotlight. i don't like that kind of attention. its never been in me to search for approval from people or to constantly be center of attention. its always been a perplexing understanding to me on how anyone could possibly find me [attractive.] [pretty.] [cute.] [insert complimentary adjectives here.] i am weird within my own beauty. there are days where i'll tell myself i look pretty decent and i've gotten better at growing into these bones of mine but i've noticed i'm not 100 % comfortable being absolutely raw and flawed. i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without any form of cosmetics painted to my face. i do believe make-up can enhance looks but when its all washed out and gone you're completely naked with apparent flaws. and i think this is the first time i'm going to admit this but i do know // will admit that i may have a borderline eating disorder. i read this article in teen vogue how vegetarianism can be considered a cover up for an eating disorder. personally, i have been one for almost 3 years and it was mainly for my health and for animal rights. the thing is i'm not overly obsessive when it comes to my food. i rarely count calories. i don't pretend to eat and throw it away. for the most part i have a huge appetite but the only thing that i know is a bit concerning is that i feel extremely worried // awkward if i am over 95 pounds. i have never been in my entire life heavier than that, and it seems selfish and absurd that i feel this way but its really uncomfortable when people talk about my weight or how i have such a tiny waist, or how i'm a size 0 or negative whatever. just TO ME i feel [fat] if i go over that 95. plus, i hardly ever weigh myself because scales terrify me.

i know i'm "pretty" but i can't even say that out loud without feeling conceited but sometimes its just so hard to believe things.

p.s to my one follower its funny 'cause you know all my secrets and flaws // a lot of things even my best friends don't even know // are aware of and its kind of comforting at the same time because i feel like you're the only one that understands me. so thanks. :)