i've been awake for more than 24 hours. for some reason i thought i could discipline myself and be productive and get work done, but i've wasted the last 8 hours doing shit all and thinking too much and being so fucking unfocused. i don't even feel the pressure to get what needs to be done. but for some reason i find comfort in lack of sleep. in being awake at all the quiet hours. it has nothing to do with insomnia. its like a competition with myself. seeing how long i can go without sleep. but i just waste time. i waste it by the minute. and its scary how fast time goes by. seconds. minutes. hours. just vanishing.
i think i'm getting back into my skin again. just a little bit. i've been out of control lately. too much partying. too many late nights. too many shots. too many cigarettes. too many mornings looking disheveled as fuck. greasy hair. losing shit. meeting new people. getting scandalous. making out. waking up with last night's make up on. young and reckless. that's what they say. i am your typical angsty, naive, crazy teenager.
sunday night was particularly difficult. i've drank numerous times before but i never ever get a hang over up until sunday morning. i felt like death. that wasn't even the worse part. it was waking up with glitter all over my face, clothes on the floor, awake in someone else's bed, completely at a loss of what the fucking fuck happened last night type deal. you wake up your friend, you get your clothes on, you try and fix your face, you awkwardly say by to the boy who you were being affectionate with the night before. i felt like a fucking prostitute walking out of that apartment building. yeah, i get pretty trashy and i joke about it all the time but i literally felt like i had sold my body for money. even though that didn't even happen. i didn't have sex. but i felt so fucking degraded and used and abused and god awful. i slept for the entire afternoon after washing off all the glamour. stripping myself of my halloween costume. all the stuff that makes you pretty completely shedded. i woke up still feeling like shit and it made me even more frustrated that kelly flaked out on me for the billionth time. suddenly it felt like 2 years again. suddenly the demons i had destroyed long ago resurfaced. i just broke down. i cried. and i hadn't cried in a month or more. it was a strange feeling but it was bottled up emotions that needed to be liberated. i was mad. i was frustrated. i was depressed. i was regretful. i was feeling all the degradation i kept telling myself i was okay with. bottom line, i am self-destructive. the party scene isn't all fun and kisses. it isn't just living in the moment and having a fucked mentality for a couple of hours. it isn't just making a complete fool of yourself because you're never going to see these faces again. it isn't just being free, young and reckless. sometimes it gets out of hand. sometimes you get too caught up in it. and sometimes you lose control of everything. i realize that this is unhealthy. this pattern of constantly being in an intoxicated state. it spells danger.
i feel so artificial. as if every genuine part of me has faded or has somehow lost it self in this process. i feel so frustrated and angry and i keep waking up to tired eyes and a sad mind. i don't know how to get back up off my feet and know that everything will be okay. i don't know how to do this or be myself again. i feel like i know i have all the proper tools and devices to move through this but somehow i just keep ending up feeling sick to my fucking stomach. this is more than just putting myself into disastrous situations, this is more than random hookups and boys, this is about me losing myself and everything i stood food. see. stood. past tense. i don't know who the fuck i am anymore and i just need someone to slap me across me the face and tell me to wake up and tell me its going to be okay, that this too shall pass, that i'm beautiful and that this doesn't define me.
i need to know that i am alive. that every day is worth it again. that the storms that i have somehow orchestrated will disappear soon enough. that getting up in the morning, i have choices. i have control and that i can change. i just need a piece of hope, even if its the smallest, weakest string, i need to hold onto that.
i think i'm getting back into my skin again. just a little bit. i've been out of control lately. too much partying. too many late nights. too many shots. too many cigarettes. too many mornings looking disheveled as fuck. greasy hair. losing shit. meeting new people. getting scandalous. making out. waking up with last night's make up on. young and reckless. that's what they say. i am your typical angsty, naive, crazy teenager.
sunday night was particularly difficult. i've drank numerous times before but i never ever get a hang over up until sunday morning. i felt like death. that wasn't even the worse part. it was waking up with glitter all over my face, clothes on the floor, awake in someone else's bed, completely at a loss of what the fucking fuck happened last night type deal. you wake up your friend, you get your clothes on, you try and fix your face, you awkwardly say by to the boy who you were being affectionate with the night before. i felt like a fucking prostitute walking out of that apartment building. yeah, i get pretty trashy and i joke about it all the time but i literally felt like i had sold my body for money. even though that didn't even happen. i didn't have sex. but i felt so fucking degraded and used and abused and god awful. i slept for the entire afternoon after washing off all the glamour. stripping myself of my halloween costume. all the stuff that makes you pretty completely shedded. i woke up still feeling like shit and it made me even more frustrated that kelly flaked out on me for the billionth time. suddenly it felt like 2 years again. suddenly the demons i had destroyed long ago resurfaced. i just broke down. i cried. and i hadn't cried in a month or more. it was a strange feeling but it was bottled up emotions that needed to be liberated. i was mad. i was frustrated. i was depressed. i was regretful. i was feeling all the degradation i kept telling myself i was okay with. bottom line, i am self-destructive. the party scene isn't all fun and kisses. it isn't just living in the moment and having a fucked mentality for a couple of hours. it isn't just making a complete fool of yourself because you're never going to see these faces again. it isn't just being free, young and reckless. sometimes it gets out of hand. sometimes you get too caught up in it. and sometimes you lose control of everything. i realize that this is unhealthy. this pattern of constantly being in an intoxicated state. it spells danger.
i feel so artificial. as if every genuine part of me has faded or has somehow lost it self in this process. i feel so frustrated and angry and i keep waking up to tired eyes and a sad mind. i don't know how to get back up off my feet and know that everything will be okay. i don't know how to do this or be myself again. i feel like i know i have all the proper tools and devices to move through this but somehow i just keep ending up feeling sick to my fucking stomach. this is more than just putting myself into disastrous situations, this is more than random hookups and boys, this is about me losing myself and everything i stood food. see. stood. past tense. i don't know who the fuck i am anymore and i just need someone to slap me across me the face and tell me to wake up and tell me its going to be okay, that this too shall pass, that i'm beautiful and that this doesn't define me.
i need to know that i am alive. that every day is worth it again. that the storms that i have somehow orchestrated will disappear soon enough. that getting up in the morning, i have choices. i have control and that i can change. i just need a piece of hope, even if its the smallest, weakest string, i need to hold onto that.
1 comment:
"this doesnt define you". take some time and find the beauty in things.<3
Post a Comment