Honesty. Check yes.

[Listening to: Ho Ho Hopefully - The Maine]

Today was good. I was scared. But I faced my fears. And I am proud. And content. I talked to Nat today. My heart was beating fast. Nervousness. It was definitely a dialogue I knew that needed to happen. It was inevitable and we both knew it. I told her how I felt like lately she hasn't been there for me. I told her about the Anna situation and I found out that the reason why she couldn't give me a direct response was because at the time she was with Anna. It makes sense now. And I told her how sometimes she doesn't hear me out, and I often feel neglected/ignored. 

She told me how that one day that I felt really shitty and skipped history she called but I refused to tell her what was wrong. She knows me well enough to know that I am not well and that something is up. I told her how at the time I couldn't voice what I wanted to say because I got scared. I didn't want her to know that I had slipped. I was scared to tell her because I was afraid of her reaction. I told her I was scared to be honest, that I know she deserves to know as much as Nichola but sometimes I hold back because I get fearful and insecure. And of course, being the human that I am - feeling too much I began to cry. I know I am really sensitive, sensitive in terms of I just feel a lot, more than I should. I can't help it, it runs in my family. Crying easily. Fuck. Anyways, she hugged me as I cried. She told me how she didn't want me to be scared of telling her things that it's okay that I slipped, that's these things happen but you can't beat yourself up for it. She told me how she hadn't SI-ed in a year but she slipped and she felt really guilty about it because she thought she disappointed those around her but they were really supportive. And she told me how on numerous occasions she had slipped but she learned to ask for help, to call a friend, to speak the language of honesty. And through all those times, people were supportive of her despite her fears. She also mentioned how the first step, calling someone, asking for help is always the most difficult part of the process but it gets easier. She also said that no matter what I do, even if I SI a million times she will be there for me always, and she will love me always. Her words held an abundance of significance and I will hold them close to my heart. 

We hugged it out and my heart is feeling extremely less heavy. In fact, it's smiling. For once, in a long time. 

And she admitted that lately she hasn't been there for me because of all the chaos she's been going through with her billions of relationship problems. I told her how she needs a break from relationships and needs to stop trying to find someone and let someone find her. Because she's been doing this routine since Gr. 4 and she needs to stop and breathe. And just relax and take a break for a while. She told me about the Adam situation and I know it's extremely sticky. I mean he's still going out with Yuki, basically they're fuck buddies. There's no relationship. Just using each other for sex. The problem is him and Nat have a thing for each other but he's completely playing her feelings plus Yuki's. And as much as Yuki's a psychotic bitch it's not fair to her or Nat. I told her she can't do anything about it because he's the one that needs to figure himself out and that it's terribly cruel of him to be doing this to her. Although, I am hopeful that he will change and go out with Nat because even though I know she got herself into this mess. They are very cute together. haha.

You know what's strange? The fact that whenever I do something good the sun finally shows it's face again. And I haven't seen it's features in weeks. Despite December weather it was nice to have some sunshine for a brief moment. 

I just realized, report cards are issued Friday. FUCK. Ohwell. Acceptance that is all I can do. And just try harder next term. I seriously need to get my shit together. No more procrastinating. But god, I am so fucking good at it. If procrastination was a job I'd be a millionaire by now. Hands down. And I seriously need to discipline myself better. Well I'm better than I used to be but man facebook, myspace and all that jazz it seriously brainwashes you or something. Or maybe I 'm just real indolent and like to avoid doing tasks. 

So this is my guesstimation of my grades: 

Photo: A (this I know for sure)

Art: A 

Art Careers: A

Creative Writing: B (this I know for sure)

Bio: C-/F? Well I'm passing? I think? I hope?

Lit: B (this I know for sure)

Hisytory: C-B?

English: C+ or B

So I think that's more of an improvement from last year. I just really need to get Bio together and History and English. But I'm pretty proud considering the amount of skipping I've done this term. 

p.s Johno O'Callaghan (Johno sounds coo'er than John. deal with it.) has my heart completely. haha. Boys in pop-punk bands are what I call attractive. 

p.p.s Okay consider this a confession, Friday is Christina's party and I am so ready to dance it out and loosen up. I think I'm starting to have no morals. Sad. I promise this time I won't get too out of control. No more repeats of last time. But I reallyreallyreally am hoping there are phitty boys there. I just want to kiss. dance. smile. have fun. That is all. But no whoring around. That's just out of the question. And I am quite surprised at myself because I can ACTUALLY control myself 90 % of the time. Like I never whore around. I've still got my dignity, bitches. 

& I still need to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear. I am terribly indecisive. I was thinking NYC/LONDON styleee. With 80's mixed in. Idk.

& I still need to decide what choice of toxin I will use. ha.wow. laaaaaaaaaame.