Learning.

And maybe we're all just FUCKING DETRIMENTAL.

I had a substitute in English class today and my God, words cannot even begin to explain how fucking frustrating she was. I thought she funny and strange, definitely eccentric because of her jolly attitude and odd sayings. But then we were assigned to complete our so-called homework, which NONE of us, by the way were even informed about. At least we got the entire class to do it. So the assignment was to choose one of the many short stories we have been reading and choose what critical lenses we would use to initiate our essay. I chose the "Jade Peony" and decided to use the Feminist Lens for it. She then asked me well what comes to mind when you think of an asian girl living in this society? I just sat in my chair. Choked. Words unable to form. Thoughts unable to fabricate. And I was left appearing mindless and idiotic, as if I knew nothing of the question. I just hate being put on the spot, y'know? It's like a heart attack. Sudden. I remained quiet because I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to say it. And then she began her fucking tangent on how there are so many intellectual, privileged students that she's met yet they fail to understand or think for themselves because we're all spoon fed and memorize and regurgitate everything we learn. And how we know nothing about ourselves, and how we don't know who we are and when we get to university we don't know a goddamn thing. This is where I had a panic attack. This is where I was ready to pack my bag and fucking book it out of the class. This is where I was ready to fucking leave and scream at her and say I would rather slit my fucking wrists then listen to her fucking ignorance. This is where I was extremely close to slapping that bitch across her fucking face. Perhaps, I didn't take my pills today so my emotions are all over the place. Perhaps, I should've at least tried to respond to her question instead of sitting there stupidly in silence. Perhaps, I should've fought for my beliefs instead of just taking it and getting walked all over like I always fucking do. Perhaps, I should've just left because I could feel my entire body ready to disengage every function and willingly die right then and there.

I'm sorry but that angered me beyond comprehension. I think there are students who don't learn anything in high school, that they just memorize their homework, the notes, all the little details to get their A+++++ to get into that magnificient university and go out and get their dreams. But you can't just jumble all of us into one category. I'm sorry, lady but just because I may not know the answer to one question does NOT mean I can't think for my fucking self. I know the problem of the situation, I don't think I read the story as well, I didn't do my homework, I didn't even try analyzing the story, I didn't even look at any of the critical lenses, basically I just didn't do my homework. But my point is, maybe I haven't learned much in the confined spaces of classrooms but the in betweens - breaks, lunches outside of school. I have learn a lot. So don't fucking tell me I don't know anything because I do. 

And knowing who we are? DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD TO ALREADY HAVE THEMSELVES ALL FUCKING FIGURED OUT? I  CERTAINLY DON'T. 

I'm 17, goddamnit. I still have a long way to go, I still have a lot to learn. 

I think throughout my seventeen years I have learned an extreme amount of things, a lot of them holding significance. 

I have learned to put others before myself, I have learned to be grateful, I have learned that everyone is flawed and there is no such thing as perfection. 

I have learned that love and community are one of the most powerful things in the entire universe. I have learned that it's okay to make mistakes. I have learned that every day I have control over, that I have the ability to make my own choices and that my choices not only affect me but others as well.

I have learned that education is essential but it's not the most important thing in the world. I have learned that living in North America I am so fucking priviledged beyond description. I have learned that friends come and go. I have learned that honesty is scary but it's also the best policy. I have learned that when I fall I can always get back up. I have learned when to hold on and when to let go. I have learned that not everything will go my way. I have learned that rescue is possible. I have learned to ask for help. I have learned to love myself. I have learned to love others. I have learned acceptance. I have learned to accept my scars, myself, others. I have learned to listen. I have learned to care. I have learned to walk, read, write and talk. I have learned so many essential things. I have learned to face my fears and challenges. I have learned to go out of my comfort zone and that it's okay. I have learned to open my heart.

I have learned a lot.

So, maybe I don't have myself completely figured out, maybe I don't know the answer to the critical feminist lens, maybe I don't know why global warming has even occurred or why we break and don't fix easy or why people are even ignorant.

But what I do know is that classrooms serve knowledge and that school is fundemental it all depends on how we take it all in, how we process everything. But I also know that not everything revolves around it and not everyone knows everything. And what I know best is, well I've learnt something today and maybe it's still not the freaking answer to that english analytical question but I have learnt that maybe I need to looking through a different lens. And acceptance.

That is what I have learnt.

p.s I have no idea if any of this made sense because I am still trying to collect my thoughts/words and articulate them.