[Listening to: Treeology - Shady Bard]Today was full of uncertainty. Skipped my last two blocks to get my sleep. I definitely needed it. I told my teachers I had an "appointment" and asked them for what assignments I'd be missing. I got away with it pretty well. Damn, I'm good. Haha.
I didn't end up talking to Nat today. I don't think today would've been a good day to have a [heavy] dialogue. The weather didn't help at all, either. I love and hate December. Mostly loathe. It's just so fucking cold. Then again, I live in Canada, up north so what do I expect? I texted her and told her that my tutor was actually coming at 3:30 rather than 4. (That was a lie.) She didn't seem pleased. One syllable responses don't do any justice, I swear. Is it possible to read people over text message? I've always thought it was. Especially with certain people. I think text messaging is almost a language. 'Cause I text many friends and they all have this sort of "style" of texting. It's quite funny actually. My friend Nichola texts really weird, she uses words that are non-existent in the English language and most of the time it includes CAPITALS, !!!s, misspelled words and ALWAYS referring to me as Lahbra, Lahbs, Lahbby and phitty. Nat texts in complete sentences and often uses babe, girly, and writes with structural punctuation. Frisco always texts as if he's speaking in a british accent and his messages often contain typos and the words love, lovey etc. My friend Hannah always says I LOVE YOU JUNG, or JUNG YOU ARE AMAZING, she always says Jung, never referring to my actual name.
Anyways, my point. Sometimes I can tell if someone is mad, sad, frustrated etc. over text message. They don't type how they usually would so then you begin to question....or at least I do? Well, tomorrow isn't here yet. I'm actually a bit scared. This blog is starting to grow on me, I think. I don't need an audience. Just a place to vent, to write how I feel, my frustrations, my depression, my condition, my scars, my dreams , hopes, beliefs, likes, dislikes, everything. Really. It's quite nice. And honestly it does scare me a bit when I look at my profile views. I HONESTLY DON'T THINK PEOPLE READ MY STUFF. But I suppose it's a bit "welcoming." I don't know if that's the appropriate word. But yeah.
I know this conversation between Nat and I needs to happen. But I find myself holding back and being so afraid. Danielle says that sometimes we get mad at people because there's something that we see in them that's a reflection of us. I'm still trying to figure that out. What exactly it is that Nat's doing that irritates me, that I find in myself? Maybe it's because I know we both think the same, and we both don't want to have this colloquy. And that we both expect the other to be the "bigger person." I know it's me. It always is. Ohwell.
So I will speak my heart. Tell her in full honesty how I feel. I should feel proud and brave. And acknowledge my courage because these things are hard stuff. These sort of things make our hearts heavy. And I am sure that if she's a good friend she will understand, I will understand. That we can better our friendship. Just hope. believe.
p.s I kinda want summer. It's going to be amazing. Kenya. Paris. Indonesia. ESPECIALLY KENYA. FTC. <3
& that pic is mine. Most of the pics I post are taken by me.
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