Honesty // Epiphany?

Acceptance is everything. Well almost. At least for me. Right now. In terms of scars. 

Thank god for yoga therapy today. I really needed it. I told Danielle my yoga therapist about all that's happened for the last couple of weeks. I felt extremely terrible that she had to hear such unfortunate news. 

But she reassured me and told me that it was okay that I slipped. That we can always get back up. That just because I had a fall back it doesn't mean it's the end of the world, it doesn't mean I have failed. It doesn't mean I have found the way back to the wreckage. It doesn't mean I am back to old habits. This is the process of healing and learning. There are no grades. No numbers. They are meaningless.

It is all about living and learning. That it's human to make mistakes. It's okay to fall as long as we get back up. I've had trouble accepting this. That maybe I just emphasized this way too much. That I made this a bigger deal than it was. That just letting this go is what's best. There's no point in blaming anyone/anything. Because I AM THE PROBLEM. But I have the ability to fix it. I have control over this. 

I also learned that we are all responsible for the way we feel. The way we react towards others. And how they affect us. That this fight with Nat, I can continue to complain about her flaws, continue to pick them out and become aggravated with her. When I really should be confronting the situation and being honest. And asking myself, what is that she's doing that's affecting me so much? And maybe what she does I find irritating but to someone else it is nothing. It is all about how we control our feeling and the responsibility of our reactions towards others. That I chose to feel angry. That I chose to feel frustrated. That I chose to become annoyed with her. I made these choices. And I know there are things that are agreeable where Nat did do things that hurt. But it also comes down to how I responded.

It is strange how our mind, our heart, our body works. I've always found it fascinating how we have control over so many things. How we feel. How we react. How we breathe and live. Hurt and fear. We are very much alive. 

And on this particular evening, my heart is feeling less heavy. I can finally breathe again. Inhale. Exhale. Peacefully. And I am grateful for today. For the conversation with Danielle. I really needed to vent. Really needed someone to hear me out. To listen to the suffering. And help. I always find it quite interesting how much I learn each session with her. I always come out of that room with a new perspective, with a change of heart. And I love it. 

I don't know what it is. But this feeling of doing better really amazes me. I love epiphanies. I love feeling brand new. Seeing life through a new lens and really looking at it. Today, I am living, existing.

p.s I watched Gossip Girl with my mum today. She told me I kinda look like Blair Waldorf with my high cheek bones and big eyes. It made me laugh.

I am really starting to utilize/appreciate my beauty. 

But with the right amount of pride and confidence.

No over abundance.

p.p.s  That's a pic of me. The top pic Nichola took. She's a pretty good photographer for a first try. Haha.

The bottom pic is mine. =)

p.p.s I'm talking to Nat tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am scared to the bone. But I know this is the right thing to do. Honesty. 

"this isn't the end."