Yesterday was terrible...and it is now today and I still feel awful.

I don't understand how everything happened, so quickly. And now my mind is playing on rewind, as the images flash back in slow motion. First, I get bitched at by a teacher and her goddamn ignorance, second my dad throws a fucking fit and starts going on a mad tangent about how I didn't clean up my art space. And then he starts throwing my shit everywhere, kicking everything, making everything a bigger mess than it already is. And worse, HE FUCKING RUINED MY REALISM PAINTING THAT I ACTUALLY LIKED AND COMPLETED. PLUS THE FIRST ONE I'VE EVER REALLY DONE AND ACTUALLY TOOK TIME TO FINISH IT. And Jac Vanek still doesn't look the fucking same. Fucking hell. And out of frustration and fury, I took the razorblades I stole from London Drugs and bowed down to my demons.

Yes, I fucking broke my 6 months clean date. 

I feel so horrible inside and out, I want to smash every mirror.

At first it started with 2 lines across my arm.

Then it advanced to 3 more. 

Then I sliced another line on my ankle.

And another on my hip.

7 new scars, and I am ashamed. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think or how to feel.

I am an autocrat of nothing.

Somehow, deep down. The second cut amazed me more than any other. I suppose it's  the freshness of the razorblade. The sides so equally sharp. 

And I pressed a bit harder. Watching the red ooze out. Forming crimson bubbles, as it ran down my arms. It kinda scared me how much I bled.

But I was fixed. Fascinated. Shocked. Scared. Anxious. Uncertain.

And ohgod, ohgod.

I am trapped within myself and I don't know how to get out.

I can't tell anyone. No. This is something I will keep for myself. 

I just don't want to tell Nichola or Nat or my mum or anyone.

They'll be incredibly disappointed in me, they'll feel let down. I know they will.

And I can't even imagine the look on their faces.

I've lost control.

Choices. Choices. Choices.

MY MIND IS FUCKING SCREAMING.

AND I WANT THIS TO STOP.

SOMETHING. SOMEONE. JUST STOP THE PAIN.

I need a cure.

I don't know.

I don't 

know...

what

i

need.